Explaining the Hiatus....

Anyone who even thinks this blog exists anymore has to be a very tenacious person. I know I take long breaks from writing but that is not because I do not want to or have nothing to write about. It is just that I have been finding it very difficult to work at all around an extremely inquisitive, high-strung almost 17-month old who sleeps from 9:30pm-6am on a good night and then only naps once a day for an hour.

Anyway, back to the hiatus. To explain/excuse this one, I have to go back to late Nov./early December 2011. We got some very unexpected news at the time – I was/am pregnant. Of course, as in Asha’s case, the pregnancy started off with tons of complications. I will not go into detail – lets just say that for the next 2 months, Gregg and I vacillated between joy and despair, thinking at one second that this was possible and at another that it was over. The physical tiredness which pregnancy brings was extreme but it paled before the mental exhaustion as a result of this yo-yo effect of the pregnancy. Things were made more difficult because we had decided not to tell anyone at all – we did not want to worry anyone in case this turned out badly. This is also when we decided to start Asha in a daycare (more on that on a later date). Even now, the only people that know are immediate family. I decided to put this on my blog now because it is getting impossible to conceal the pregnancy any more (after all I have gained a little more than 10 lbs) and so we are starting to tell people.

Anyway, we survived the first trimester – it is still a blur. I am now 21 weeks in – 19 weeks to go. The due date is July 26^th and Asha will be 21 months old at the time. We are very excited (though cautiously so) and hoping all goes well. In the meantime, a job, a home, a toddler and a pregnancy has been difficult to manage. Therefore, the hiatus…  

DAYCARE!!!!

So, we just put Asha in daycare – for the first time really!!! I mean, we tried it once before but it was one of those commercial places with 4-5 kids in one room. Asha kept getting sick and we were not happy with the ratio of kids to teachers and we pulled her out. But this semester is promising to be AWFUL in terms of work and having no babysitter or daycare is certainly taking its toll on us. Gregg and I have watched her with no help for 15 months but now that she is walking, we CANNOT get anything done when we are with her. She has learnt to open doors and lock herself in, to open cabinets with the completely useless cabinet locks on them and to bang on everything – primarily on computers. Since she goes to sleep at 9:30pm, we do not have much time at night to work and she gets up at 6:30am on a good day. Naptime is used to wash dishes and do laundry – for the whole hour she is asleep. So, I have no time to prep or grade and Gregg can neither read nor write with her around.

But finding the right care for your baby is so very difficult. We interviewed, inquired and advertised. It sucked. But the great news is that we finally found someone. She only watches one other kid and is so sweet. Her own kids go to school and she has lots of toys for Asha to play with. Asha has only been going for 3-4 days and she seems to like it. Right now, we are doing 25-30 hours/week – when I am at work. That is time Gregg gets to get work done and then I get a couple of hours in the evening when Gregg watches her.

I have to say though that daycare has been worse for me than her. This week she only did 20 hours at daycare but this is my last week before school starts next week and I feel SO guilty being home without her. True, I have completed all FOUR syllabi (including a brand new one), cooked every day, went grocery shopping, started a report which I am supposed to turn in next Friday and even had lunch out with Gregg (without Asha for the first time in about a month or more). But I still feel awfully guilty. I feel like I should stay with her when I have a chance and that I am palming her off. I love getting things checked off the list but I hope this guilt gets easier!!     

Balance

Being a teacher, I wonder if anyone has ever heard those comments: “Oh, you only work 9 months out of the year.” Or, “you only teach 3-4 hours per day? What do you do the rest of the time?” “You are so lucky to get 3 months off during the summer.” I mean, haven’t the Republicans been saying that the crazy debt we are in is because of teachers unions who extract a lot more money and benefits than is necessary for a job where we stop working at 2-3pm and get 3 months of “vacation”? This is the perception of my profession. This always drives me crazy.

There are two types of exhaustion – physical and mental. I always find myself mentally exhausted at the end of 3 continuous hours of teaching. (Physically exhausted too but that is only because I pace through all 3 hours of class). Anyone who has taught a class knows that a teacher cannot space out mentally for even one minute. That is the minute when someone says or does something stupid. Three hours of total focus is mentally exhausting. At the end of a day like that, I can spend time with Asha and she actually proves to be relaxing. She is physically exhausting to be around but not mentally exhausting (unless she is having a cranky spell which are, thankfully, infrequent).

Problem is that this summer I have spent each second around Asha. She is physically exhausting but not mentally so. However, I get no “mind work” when I am around her. She has learnt to stand and so if my laptop is on, she spends all her time slapping it, pressing random keys and deleting it. If I try to read, she grabs the book and crumples the pages. I do not watch TV around her. So, it can mean hours of grabbing objects and naming them (“ball”, “dog”, “table”) and reading baby board books. At the end of a whole day of this, I am happy to read some fiction and fall into bed. But then I spend all night making lists of things I have to do – syllabi, school prep etc.

I prefer mental exhaustion (without physical exhaustion) to the other way round. At least I feel productive. After watching Asha, I should feel productive and like a good mom, but I do not. I feel like I should not spend time thinking of the other things on my to-do list. I feel I should get more done. I am neither concentrating on her nor on my work. UGGGGHHHHH!!!! Balance is so difficult.

This brings me back to my irritation at those who think of teaching as a 9-month profession. It is not!!! I get paid to work over the summer. Research, proposing a new course to submit to the department, summer teaching, prepping a new course and committee work. This has to be done over the summer. And I have done none of it. During the school year, it is not merely teaching and office hours. We also have committee work, grading, answering interminable (and often inexplicable) emails, research, advising etc etc. The budget crisis is making things worse. Class sizes are larger (I have over 175 students next semester and equivalent grading), the number of advisees keep increasing, the number of committees keep increasing and research time and conference time and money keep decreasing. I guess we are just lucky to have jobs at all. But in two weeks, school starts again. I will have all the mental exhaustion I need then. And I will miss Asha like crazy. It will be more difficult leaving her at home now since she has started crawling, standing and saying mama and baba in the last few months. If I lack balance now, how will I achieve balance then?

This is the problem – everyone has to balance all aspects of their lives. Some are better at it than others. I am not good at it. I either do one thing or another. I am a multi-tasker but find myself unable to do that with Asha. I want to be a good teacher, a good academic, a good mom, a good wife and have some free time to be a well-rounded person. I am coming to the conclusion that this is impossible with a 9-month-old. Maybe it makes sense to wait till she is a little older to impose these expectations on myself. I like balance. I like routine. I like checking things off my to-do list. Asha, unfortunately, does not like any of these things. Oh well. How do other moms balance?

Cleaning

This mundane topic has been a source of discord in our house for some time now. Gregg and I are not cleaning-oriented. Yes, we square away (sometimes) and make the bed. We always do the dishes and Gregg does all the laundry. But vacuuming, dusting and hard core cleaning has always been a chore we both tend to avoid. It used to get done more regularly BC (before child) but has been done less and less since. Gregg mows the lawn and does all the yardwork generally and the laundry. We both do the dishes (we have a dishwasher). I cook, square away, clean the kitchen, pay bills, make beds etc. I probably do more of the childcare but Gregg watches her when I am not home and sometimes when I am. Neither one of us cleans or wants to. The difference is that, while Gregg frets about it and complains about it, I let it go. My attitude tends to be: “I will do it just as soon as I am done doing the other million things I have to do.” Gregg complains that this is unhealthy, unsanitary (just to be clear, our house does not look like a pigsty) and sets a bad example for Asha. We have to “find time” according to him.

But if there is a secret to this, I would love to know it. How can a person (or two) hold down a full-time job, take care of a baby with zero help, do basic upkeep of a house, cook and clean? Either I am very lazy or others are super productive. But we have to do something. I have started vacuuming one room every morning after Asha wakes up but this sets her off and she screams and yells at the loud noise of the vacuum cleaner and at being left to herself. Currently, I am reading a book on feminist (she objected to that characterization) Charlotte Perkins Gilman (of “The Yellow Wallpaper” fame) and starting to like her idea of state-aided housework. Not the cooking (I like that part) but the cleaning.

Seriously, any ideas on how to balance cleaning against everything else? What cleaning is essential on a daily basis and what is not? How often do you clean the house from top to bottom?

Overcoming Boredom and Stagnation

Everything can become stagnant at one point or another – relationships, work, hobbies etc. This has seemed especially true after Asha’s birth. So much energy goes into the newest family member that I seem to have no energy left for anything else. We do not have a babysitter or daycare or anything. Gregg and I are her only caregivers. We had a break when my parents were here and we get help if Gregg’s parents come to town. Otherwise, it is just us. So, we are barely making it when it comes to anything other than childcare. This has been especially the case when it comes to food. I am too tired to cook really which is a shame because it is one of the only two things in the world that relaxes me (the other is reading). When I was pregnant, Gregg got me a subscription to Cook’s Illustrated and Cook’s Country. I love those magazines – it is not simply recipes but they TEACH cooking – what works, what doesn’t, why, the science behind food etc. But they have been piling up while I cook the same old roasts, everyday Indian food or lasagna. Sometimes, we simply eat (cold) sandwiches. I did not try anything new for 8 months.

With one exception!!!! I cook all of Asha’s food myself. But truthfully, while I love watching her response to it, I HATE cooking it. It is all mush – bland, tasteless. Which I often pretend to eat in order to entice her. So I am both eagerly anticipating and actively dreading tomorrow when I plan to start chicken with her. Ground chicken with no seasonings in a puree!!! YUCK!!!!

Anyway last week, Gregg and I made a deal. Every Saturday, he would watch Asha for as long as it took me to try a new recipe. We also decided to systematically cook our way through the piles of magazines. This idea was suggested because we just watched the movie Julie and Julia. Took us 4 days to find the time but we were inspired. Undertaking all of Julia Child’s recipes is too gargantuan a task for someone as time-strapped as I am (to say nothing of the fact that some ingredients are not only expensive but very hard to find). The magazines seem more of a doable task. So this past weekend was the first experiment and the stuffed pork tenderloins were delicious!!! And very easy and relatively quick. See this link for the video on Cook’s Illustrated. Click on Grilled Stuffed Pork Tenderloin. I especially liked the porcini-sundried tomato stuffing. I cannot post the recipe online as it would be a copyright violation.

I really like this idea. It makes the rest of the humdrum boring week bearable. Slowly, I plan to work this change into every aspect of my life which feels stuck in a rut. Make one small change here and a tweak there. Make a couple of hours sacrosanct for one activity. That way, maybe I can be a little more productive. Any ideas on how to be productive with a 8-month to take care of?

My Two Babies

Asha and Giggs when she was not yet mobile!!!

This post is probably going to make some people mad because it is a comparison between my almost 8-month old daughter and my 3-year old dog. But, first, I want to give a shout-out to Giggs who has been wonderful with Asha. When she first came home and slept in our room, he tolerated it for about 3 nights. Then he decided he had enough screaming and crying during the day and did not want his beauty sleep spoilt at night, so he started sleeping downstairs in the basement. Broke our hearts. The sly thing would come into our room and beg to get into bed with us every night. Then after we gave him his nighttime treat, he would jump off and stay away. He basically stayed away from Asha except to give her an occasional lick if she was crying or fussing. She, in turn, fell in love with him and would stop crying the second he walked into the room.

Things have gotten more complicated since. He has returned to sleeping with us once we transitioned her to her room at 11 weeks. But since Asha started crawling at 6 months, 3 weeks, she follows him everywhere. Worse, she cannot coordinate what she does, so she constantly pulls his hair, his tail, his ears!!! Now he runs away whenever he sees her. She tries to keep up but cannot and always starts crying. He has taken to hiding in his crate in our room (he has literally never slept there in his life). He still licks her but stays as far away from her hands and legs as possible.

Here are the main similarities between these two babies of mine:

1) They both scream/bark when something is not to their liking.
2) He likes her toys and she likes his – and they both put the toys in their mouths (this has led to constant chasing after them both)
3) They both root through their food and chuck it when it lacks what they like (bacon for him and bananas for her)
4) I have to hide from them when I am eating – he wants the food; she wants to hold the plate and smash it against the nearest piece of furniture.
5) Neither one listens to anything I say.

I do wish I had more time for Giggs though. He is our first kid and used to 100% of our attention. Now he is lucky if he gets 25%. He hardly gets any lap time. I am hoping this will change when Asha gets more independent – he has been so good with her, he should get some reward.

Asha Alexandra Lindskog was born on Oct. 24th, 2010. In the last eight months, I have learnt many lessons. But everyone tells you the lessons that kids teach you and I will do so at some other time. For now I want to focus on the two habits that Asha is teaching me to unlearn.

1. MULTI-TASKING: I have always been a multi-tasker. I do two things at the same time all the time. Literally. I read email while watching TV. I watched TV while I wrote my dissertation. I cook while I read. I am simply incapable of doing one thing at a time. Yet, Asha demands complete attention. When she is crying or playing or anything, there is absolutely nothing else I can do. She requires complete attention at all times. Even at eight months, she rarely likes to play by herself. She also started crawling around 6 months and 3 weeks. We are yet to babyproof, so I have to watch her to make sure that she is not getting into anything she shouldn’t. Suffice it to say that I have to battle my instincts to multi-task. I sit there with her while she is screaming or crying or playing or crawling or eating and make lists in my mind of all the things I should be doing right now. This is what my mind looks like:

Will she sleep soon? I should take Giggs out. But the kitchen is a mess too. I cannot do anything till she sleeps. Poor Giggs needs someone to play with him. When can I make the bed? What about downloading her pictures off the camera? How about that report which I have to finish reading by tonight? What should I make for dinner? But I cannot do all this unless she sleeps for an hour at least. Will she? I should start by washing her bottles…

2. LACK OF CONTROL: This stems from the first point. I am a control freak. I like to know what I am doing, when etc. I used to make a to-do list every day and check it off as and when they get done. No matter what list I make now, it simply does not get done. It is not an easy lesson to learn but I am trying to adjust to it. You would think that a long and difficult pregnancy would have taught me about lack of control!! But clearly not enough. Lack of control does not sit well with me. Going back to school has helped a little but I have entirely stopped staying at school to work. I am only there for classes, meetings and office hours and come home as soon as I can. Then I wait till she goes to sleep at 9pm to prep, grade, read reports, write, do the bills etc. Days and nights lack all routine. Some nights she sleeps from 9pm-6am with only one 30-minute wake-up in the middle. Other nights she is up by 4am or gets up 2-3 times at night and refuses to go back to bed. I am usually up by 3am waiting for her to wake up. This lack of sleep makes for terribly unproductive days. But by 9pm, I am wired, because I still have a lot to do.
Asha makes me feel unproductive sometimes (which is weird because she is my biggest, most tangible, most ever-present production).

These have been my hardest battles in adjusting to life with a baby. Just starting blogging again is one of the ways in which I hope to assert a tiny bit more control. We will see how successful this is.